Back when I was studying for the bar, I followed several IG accounts of celebrities, including Kim Chiu, Jake Cuenca and Beth Tamayo. These three are all runners, and so seeing their posts about their runs made me very interested in running as well. Years have passed and I never really got to it.
Until last year. It started with me having the chance to talk to one of the partners in the firm I work in. He introduced me to the Dream Marathon, which was the first marathon he ran. It is also a marathon designed for beginners. During that time, I didn’t even consider running the full 42. I just wanted to run a half because I thought that was the best I can do.
Some weeks after that, my lawschool blockmate suddenly invited me to sign up for the Dream Marathon, since applications just started. I told him I’m pretty sure I can’t do a 42, so I’ll wait til the next day before signing up.
A week after that, I was informed that I didn’t make the cut. And I felt so disappointed? That I was so indecisive and that I doubted myself so I signed up later than I could have.
And then a week after that, I was part of the batch that got in after being waitlisted. I was so happy.
I joined a 10k after with my boyfriend. This was the longest distance I’ve ran EVER at that point.
And now. Two weeks from today. I’ll be running my first ever marathon.
The past few months have been a series of intentional actions. I adjusted how I ate, how I moved. I dedicated my weekends to long runs. My previous goal of half marathon? I’ve ran that distance alone at least four times now. In fact I’ve ran longer distances.
I found myself enjoying the alone time and embracing the rigors on the body, especially since I feel much stronger after running. Of course, that’s not to say that I’ve never felt lazy or that I was always stronger than before. I’ve slacked off and been injured so many times. But there’s just something about feeling great whenever I defeat the lazy in me and find myself in the middle of a long run.
It has been a journey, from my bar reviewing, celebrity stalking self lol. I hope to the heavens that I finish the entire marathon within the time limit.
When I was young, I didn’t like having to explain myself since nobody ever got my name on the first try. But now I’ve grown to really like it. My name means “blessed” in Latin. And the past few weeks have made me feel just like that.
My family struggled a lot when I grew up. My parents didn’t have a regular job back then and we relied a lot on the kindness and generosity of our extended family. Despite not having our own house and being not financially secured, my parents made sure that we went to the best schools.
One thing I appreciate now, looking back, was how they didn’t keep the difficulty of our situation back then. I was aware that every tuition deadline was another time for us to find ways to make ends meet. My brothers had to go to less prestigious schools to make sure that I stayed in the best school as well. This awareness made me work just as hard as they did. Failure was simply not an option. I also built my family’s dreams and worked to make sure that in the future, my parents will no longer be in the same situation.
My father, a licensed engineer, had to drive a school bus which, for a time, was our main source of income. My mom, a licensed architect, had to mostly stay at home to keep our household going.
Just a while ago, my mom told us a story that happened more than 20 years ago. We went to a theme park for Christmas day, as we usually did every year–a treat for us kids. However, when they got to the counter, they realized that the prices increased from the previous year and the money they brought was not enough for all of us. We had to back out and spend the day at home. Not that it was a cursed or wretched fate, but I can’t imagine how disappointed they must have been back then.
I also remember back then, my schoolbusmates always talked about Starbucks. I was so curious about the overpriced coffee that I had to ask my dad to buy me a cup. He acceded to my wish but I was so sure that the look on his face meant that he was sacrificing something just to buy me that cup of overpriced coffee.
Many many years later, I can gratefully say that our family has persevered through those tough times. I’m happy that I get to provide, in a way, for my parents, who are both gainfully employed and are thriving in their own careers. I’m so happy they get to see us, their kids, where we’re all at. While we’re not together in the house since my dad had to work elsewhere, we are no longer in that place of financial insecurity.
It’s truly a blessing. And I’m so glad that we’ve made it through.
Two days ago, the results of the bar exams were released and I’m so glad I made the list. The bar chairperson announced that the results would be out on 12 April. I don’t even have a photo LOL or a video. But I remember everything that happened clearly.
I stayed in my boyfriend’s house (I pretended I went to work because I really didn’t want to be at home in case I didn’t make the list… that would be too difficult). I was tense the whole time, of course. To try to distract myself, I resorted to watching true crime shows. It barely worked. I kept checking my phone.
A few minutes before lunch time, the list was sent. I saw my name, shrieked, and cried. My boyfriend at that time was cooking pancit. We shared a hug before I called my dad and mom to tell them.
Movement wasn’t the only thing that was hampered by the pandemic. Socializing was, too. Well, not really “hampered” I guess but socializing changed a lot during the pandemic. We barely got to see our friends, and when we do, the meet ups are mostly online. Drinking online, talking online, everything online.
When the pandemic started I thought I was fine with this setup. I’m an extrovert but I was preparing for the bar exams too. Not being able to go out meant less expenses and more time for staying in to study or do other past times like watching series or reading manga during break times. It also meant spending more time with family.
Anyway, when the final semester of law school ended, I deactivated almost all of my social media accounts. And by “almost all” I mean all of my main accounts. I left only my messaging apps, my secret twitter followed only by my four closest friends, and my incognito instagram which only my closest friends know exists (I don’t follow people I know and I have zero followers there). I did this so that I could focus on reviewing, especially since I get soooo affected by news ESPECIALLY regarding the national elections.
That happened the first day of July. I sort of vanished myself from social media.
By the end of 2021, I think I regressed into a very… unstable? Sad? Crazy? Irrational? State of mind. Very difficult times as I’ve posted here some time ago.
I thought about blogging again just to express myself and not keep things in my head. Also, I reached out to one of my closest friends, Nemo, who I studied with in Discord (with some other friends from my day block) until the bar exams came.
I remember a time when I was scared to study alone. It doesn’t make sense but I was. I needed to study with someone even if it was just virtually. I had to join other Discord servers because it was not everyday that Nemo was available. I just had to be with other people even if it was just in a server.
After some time, I thought to myself that I might be REALLY missing human interaction. I haven’t been out of the house (except that one time I went to the emergency room…) since November. Since I left my job and focused on the bar, I met and personally talked to only my immediate family and my boyfriend.
So when my mind was getting better but still not completely OK last January, I decided to return to Facebook. This is two weeks before the bar LOL. Talk about not wanting to get distracted.. and then returning to FACEBOOK two weeks before the bar when all the election stuff are heating up.
I also unmuted my group chats. I joined some support groups for people who experienced anxiety with or without diagnosis.
And BOY. I am SURE that going back sort of helped me beef up my mental state during the bar. I was an emotional mess, sure, but I didn’t get those weird irrational thoughts anymore.
Some of my blockmates! ❤ So much love!!!
ALSOOOO. FINALLY. Last night. I got to PERSONALLY meet my blockmates again after two years T__T HUMAN INTERACTION. I got to hug people! And we talked about soooo many things that we experienced during the bar. I felt so happy and recharged even though I got tipsy and sleepy so early. But yeah, this dinner made me feel so ……. in a way fulfilled? I don’t know it’s probably the length of time spent worrying about the bar and just overall being stuck in this pandemic.
When the pandemic started, I always gave a side eye whenever people would gather and then post about it on social media saying “we all have negative swabs!” and stuff. I didn’t get how people can just put public health second to their… “want.” I thought socializing can wait. I thought socializing can just be done online since that option is always available anyway. Less risk.
But now, my mind has been completely changed. Let people gather. Because fuck it, some people NEED to socialize. Some people NEED the physical touch or proximity. Some people NEED to see and talk to their friends and loosen up. BECAUSE THIS PANDEMIC CAN DRIVE PEOPLE OFF THEIR LIMITS.
Mental health IS PART OF OUR OVERALL HEALTH. So many people have become victims of depression, anxiety, and other mental problems ESPECIALLY during this pandemic. And just based from my brief encounter with Mr. Anxiety (at least I think that was my problem), the endless fucking crying because of an irrational thing that I can’t explain, the endless self-hating for things I can’t control like getting COVID twice despite not going out of my house, the endless thought about not passing the exams or not studying enough, the endless berating for what I thought and what I felt–THIS PROBLEM IS REAL AND MUST BE ADDRESSED PROPERLY.
I hate that I’m part of the population that sometimes thinks that COVID won’t leave anymore and we have to treat it like the flu. Because I know that based on the stats that it is not true, especially those who have comorbidities.
But I don’t know man. I don’t know. I can’t imagine just doing everything in my house. We need to go out. We need to meet people and talk.
I hope that we get that herd immunity soon. Nobody will be totally immune from COVID but getting that herd immunity will provide an extra layer of protection for public health. All the layers of protection that may be availed of should be availed of. And all while this is being done, we should take care of our mental health too.
Because we are not just physical creatures. We are social creatures, too. And just because there’s no actual, observable manifestation of “anything wrong” with our social self doesn’t mean that there’s nothing wrong.
Last Friday and Sunday, the first ever digitalized and regionalized bar exams in the Philippines happened. I was one of the bar takers. After waiting in focus, putting everything else in my life second only to the bar exams, I was finally able to take it.
Friday morning, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. after 7-8 hours of sleep (I took sleeping pills for a week to adjust my body clock!). And then, I downloaded the exams for the day, did some yoga stretches, and then prayed. I read a bit while waiting for my food, but my parents told me to stop studying already and just relax my mind (how tho??).
We left the house by 4:30 a.m. (and my wonderful sisters stood by outside our house in case our car broke down). I felt very, very, very tense. I brought earphones in case I had to wait in line so that I can listen to lectures. When we got to Ateneo though, not a lot of people were there. I had a hard time getting in only because I had so many things!
A few days before the bar, I had a bit of a panic (actually, a LOT of a panic) because of my COVID clearance. Since I contracted COVID last January 7, the antigen testing for me was waived provided that I show proof of my quarantine. The bar bulletin specified the offices which should issue the quarantine certificate. Long story short, I took the bar bulletin very literally because I was so scared to not get admitted. My parents had to calm me down and assure me that my quarantine certificate is enough and legitimate. So I presented my affidavit along with my quarantine certificate and other documents required. To my relief, it was accepted without question.
Everything was smooth from there. I got to my room after going through inspection and depositing forbidden items. My room (302) was spacious. There were 12 of us and each of us had our own office table and office chair (unfortunately the other rooms I saw in the same floor had to make do with armchairs). My seat was the farthest from the door, the last row of the first column. I was right under the aircon so it wasn’t too cold for me. I put all the things that I needed on the table and proceeded to study until we weren’t allowed to anymore. I also moved around a lot. I stretched, shook my hands, I prayed, and I slept.
Then the exams then happened. My head started to ache by noontime. I suspect it’s because I’m not used to drinking very little amount of water. I also felt hungry very early and ate Hello Panda while taking my first exam. I also had some spotting (very light though). And my upper back was aching very lightly.
Afternoon of Monday, during the second exam (criminal law), was the most difficult one for me physically. I drank paracetamol because of my headache. I was overall just not feeling well during that second exam. I wanted to stay for as long as I could but my body was just in pain. By around 4:30, I was done and out. I wanted to rest. And so I did.
But admittedly, while I felt physically like shit after day 1, I also felt emotionally lighter after it. I wasn’t as stressed..? I guess? Maybe because the exam, the one thing I looked forward to for a year, already started.
I kept thinking to myself when I was there that “this is the moment I’ve been waiting for and imagining for MONTHS.” The moment I thought could not come any sooner.
Anyway, by Saturday, my mind just wanted to rest but of course I couldn’t do that. Day 2 subjects are loooooong. I foolishly attempted to review everything but of course I did not finish. Saturday night, I tried to watch a lecture while rocking myself to sleep I ended up sleeping later than planned (10 p.m. instead of 8) but still woke up early (3 am instead of 3:30). Upon waking up, I finished the same lecture that lulled me to sleep.
While the Day 2 subjects are objectively more difficult (well not objectively but for me they are more difficult), and while I did not finish reviewing for the Day 2 subjects, I felt soooo much lighter. I didn’t get a headache, I didn’t get spotting, but I did get upper back pain so I stuck some salonpas on me. I had I think four stuck to my upper back and neck area.
I’m pretty sure I smelled like a sitting menthol throughout the bar exams lol because of the salonpas and White Flower I kept inhaling. (The white flower I think eased my anxiety since my heart pounded like crazy during waiting times)
OH but right before the last exam started, our proctor talked to us to say inspirational words and to congratulate us. AND OF COURSE OF COURSE my emotional ass cried. LOL. When I hear stuff like that it reminds me that I went through some tough shit and I overcame it. A win! But a win with tears lol.
Finally, during the last exam, I really took my time. I stretched the deadline. I waited for the bell. I submitted my answer five minutes before 6:00 p.m. The end was anticlimactic (maybe because I already cried before it started), and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I imagined I’d cry when I step out of the testing center, but I didn’t. Instead, I simply just… walked out. Waited at the corner for my boyfriend. And crave for The Curator.
Anyway. This is very disorganized.
I just wanted to say it out here because. It’s done. And I’m very happy that it’s done.
The post bar celebration with my boyfriend was also very fun and simple. Yes, I wanted for WEEKS to go to Curator, but we were hungry so we looked for a restaurant first. We ate at Rada st. in this restaurant…. the service was great…. the food…. not so much. We learned from Zomato that Curator was closed already 😦 so we decided to stay in Rada, ordered a cocktail, walked around (though this was very tiring because I had a lot of things! Also he gave me a bigggg gift hehe), and then went home.
A Nintendo switch!!!! HUHU!!!! With Animal Crossing!!!
As to this little baby, I’d write about it some other time. It deserves its own entry hehe.
Going back. I just realized that I don’t have a photo in the bar exam site lol I was just so eager to leave and avoid people who discussed the exam. But I must say that I really, really appreciate and I am in AWE at the organizing team. They mobilized THOUSANDS of people. The logistics … I imagine must have been a NIGHTMARE to prepare! Medics, police, ungodly calltimes, which stairs to use, which rooms to use, where to eat, etc. I can’t even!!! Soooo amazing.
Moving forward I think that the bar exams will be this difficult to organize. Regionalized and digitalized. It was different. It was fun especially when it was done. And you know what? I’m so proud of myself for moving past the finish line <3. I’m so grateful. My heart is full. I’m ready for the next chapter. ❤
The bar exams will push through in a week! February 4 and 6.
As of now I am weirdly and thankfully in a panic-less state. Maybe because I’ve panicked (for all the wrong reasons…) already. My mind has a way of worrying about everything else and this exam is no exception.
I hope I retained what I should retain. And I hope all of us exam takers are healthy and will remain healthy even after the bar. Many of us have sacrificed so much for this, especially those who have dependents, those who took leaves at work, and those who barely have any money left due to the stretch of this review period and all the postponements.
I relate a bit because I left my job exactly one year ago in order to focus on my last semester and review. One year of zero income is difficult. And that’s coming from me who has a family to depend on. What about the breadwinners?
So many different situations. Truly there is no one solution for everyone. I do think that whatever was done is the best compromise given that there seems no consideration at all for a remote bar examination. Not yet, at least. This is the first regionalized bar exams and perhaps a take home exam is a bit too revolutionary for now.
I hope they’ll think about it in the following exams though. Clearly, times are changing. This virus is adapting more quickly than common folks anticipated. Heck, we even thought we’d be back to normal-ish by now, but then Omicron happened.
Last night, my friends and I had a few hours to check up on each other. Most of us are taking the bar exam and have been isolating for almost a month now so I think we all needed that social interaction. Though I’m sure I probably needed it the most (or not, I’m just assuming!).
I didn’t share with them the mental stuff I went through especially last month (oh wow exactly one month ago today) since idk… it’s not really that important and I guess it’s also not something easy to share? But it’s completely fine and I really, really, really enjoyed myself last night. I laughed a lot and my tummy hurt a few times from laughing. I needed that. And I slept with a smile on my face without feeling that much guilt for not finishing what I thought I would finish yesterday.
I heard about some of the things that they went through (and I’m sure they also didn’t share the most difficult parts of their last few months) and it was oddly reassuring to me. Reassuring in a sense that I really am not alone in feeling all the hardships and the stuff I’m going through and went through are normal for people like me who are also waiting to take the bar exams.
It’s nice to feel like you belong somewhere or that you’re not alone.
Speaking of which, I joined some groups online about stress and anxiety. I’ve done something like this before when I went through a really tough breakup. Joining support groups and reading the experiences of other people who went through something similar really helped me cope. So I did join and just as I thought, seeing that other people are going through a tough time because of this pandemic kind of warmed up the cold space around me.
I hope the day will come when I can tell myself that I’ve graduated from the need of being part of those support groups, just like I did before.
I thought I’d come back here next to write more clearly about things that have bothered me since the review started, especially the past few months. But I was wrong! And I couldn’t be happier about it 🙂
I just want to say that yesterday was probably the best I’ve felt since December. And I feel so grateful and I hope that I can keep this up until the bar exams finish (and of course after, but that is the bare minimum!!!).
I don’t know and I’m not sure where to start. For the past month, I have not been mentally okay.
I prepared for the bar exam years ago. I worked for three years to save up for my review and my needs during this time. I knew that I had to quit my work before graduating so that I can focus on my last semester and so that I can start reviewing as early as I could. I thought I had most of it planned out. I reviewed as early as June, right after finishing my final OLA task.
Review began with a reminder from a lawyer/life coach that we should take care of our mind and bodies. We should eat healthy foods, lessen caffeine intake, exercise, and meditate when we can.
I tried most of those, and when I did, it was so difficult to sustain. Why? I think it’s because it was never really my thing to be healthy. I went along some fads but end up going back to eating what I like and drinking coffee up to four times a day.
I tried exercising but I never paced myself properly. Since I couldn’t sustain workouts, when I exercised, I went all out and end up hurting myself.
It was overall an unhealthy past few months (not the unhealthiest naman–I don’t have any vices and in fact I stopped drinking alcohol since the pandemic started).
As for my studying, it was boot camp mode. I started studying 8 hours a day, until it became 10… 12… 15… my record was 16 hours in one day. Looking back, I think what I did best the past few months was really review. Sure, my focus is not always there 100%, but it was the most disciplined thing that I was able to really sustain. I don’t have rest days. I study every day of the week.
Alas, by mid-August, my health started to deteriorate. On August 19, after going through a very stressful bar payment process, I got frequent headaches and body malaise. September 1, I got high fever. When I took the COVID-19 test in September 7, I tested positive. I suspect I caught the rona when I paid my bar fee in Land Bank since I was asked to take off my mask for 5 seconds for security purposes. That was at 8 am and I was one of two customers in the bank.
The quarantine was very difficult for me as a downright extrovert. I can’t stand being alone to be honest. And since this was the time when the bar exams were still scheduled in November, the loneliness and the pressure to keep studying was very difficult. Thankfully, I managed with special thanks to my boyfriend who I was able to call frequently.
After my quarantine, the bar exams were moved to January 16 to February 6. I remember thinking to myself, sana pala later na lang ako nagka-COVID para hindi ko na problema yung COVID sa bar. lol.)
Things became especially tough for me come December. I started to feel every single…. pain? Discomfort? Whatever. In my body. More headaches, back pains, and digestion problems. The worst thing though was that I googled. I googled my symptoms. And down the rabbithole of MayoClinic I went. I matched every symptom I felt with what was on my screen and ended up fearing for the worst illnesses for me.
To top things off, my father was in Palawan when Typhoon Odette happened and it was some of the most stressful five days of our lives at home when we could not contact him. Thankfully, he was able to come home on December 23.
By December 24, my mind just gave up. I felt pain in my back and a nagging digestive issue that thought of the absolute worst scenario in my head. It was so bad that I broke down to my mom and asked my dad to take me to the hospital.
Me in the ER. It was empty (lucky me) and back then COVID cases were an all-time low(ish.. not really but this was pre-surge)
I was tested and the doctor cleared me. He told me my CT Scan was normal and my back pain was likely due to muscle strain. He prescribed me with a muscle relaxant.
I distinctly remember walking out of the hospital thinking to myself that the pain in my back lessened, if it did not go away completely. Also, I paid a lot of money for that so that may have also contributed to it lol.
To be honest things were not easy even after that. I still had doubts in my head. Mainly because I still feel things. Things that I can’t explain. Pain in my back which sometimes goes to my leg, sometimes to my shoulder. I can’t explain it. Sometimes it’s not even pain… just something. And it deeply bothers me. But I try my best to shrug it off.
I really don’t know what to do about it at this point. I don’t know if this is all just in my head. I can’t rationalize it. But I feel something that I can’t explain and it’s…. so annoying. I hate myself for it because it takes time off my review. It keeps me off my needed focus. It takes so much of my time. I hate that I’m being fearful of things that I’m not able to control. I hate that I’m so scared of something that I don’t know and something I scared myself into. It’s my fault for putting myself in this situation and I don’t know how I can get out of it.
Anyway this post has zero structure. I just want to let it out. But there’s so much more that I want to share but I’m getting sleepy lol. I hope I can write more and I hope this helps me recover from myself, from my thoughts and all.
My last post was in 2015 before I graduated my undergrad course =)).
Today is January 20, 2022. A few weeks away from my bar examination.
I’m not even familiar with the new wordpress layout anymore =))
Anyway. I was looking through Maine Mendoza’s blog a few minutes ago and thought to myself, why not start blogging again? The past few weeks have been so excruciating honestly. Maybe writing stuff down again and not for any purpose but just to express myself will help ease the thoughts I’m having.
Anyway that’s it for now. Will write in the next few days.
(Latin; "blessed")
A Journalism student in UP Diliman who loves adventures, conversations, and new experiences. She tends to overthink things (hence, the blog name), observe excessively, and ask a lot of questions to find out as much as she can about life. :-)
Overthinking 