Social creatures

Movement wasn’t the only thing that was hampered by the pandemic. Socializing was, too. Well, not really “hampered” I guess but socializing changed a lot during the pandemic. We barely got to see our friends, and when we do, the meet ups are mostly online. Drinking online, talking online, everything online.

When the pandemic started I thought I was fine with this setup. I’m an extrovert but I was preparing for the bar exams too. Not being able to go out meant less expenses and more time for staying in to study or do other past times like watching series or reading manga during break times. It also meant spending more time with family.

Anyway, when the final semester of law school ended, I deactivated almost all of my social media accounts. And by “almost all” I mean all of my main accounts. I left only my messaging apps, my secret twitter followed only by my four closest friends, and my incognito instagram which only my closest friends know exists (I don’t follow people I know and I have zero followers there). I did this so that I could focus on reviewing, especially since I get soooo affected by news ESPECIALLY regarding the national elections.

That happened the first day of July. I sort of vanished myself from social media.

By the end of 2021, I think I regressed into a very… unstable? Sad? Crazy? Irrational? State of mind. Very difficult times as I’ve posted here some time ago.

I thought about blogging again just to express myself and not keep things in my head. Also, I reached out to one of my closest friends, Nemo, who I studied with in Discord (with some other friends from my day block) until the bar exams came.

I remember a time when I was scared to study alone. It doesn’t make sense but I was. I needed to study with someone even if it was just virtually. I had to join other Discord servers because it was not everyday that Nemo was available. I just had to be with other people even if it was just in a server.

After some time, I thought to myself that I might be REALLY missing human interaction. I haven’t been out of the house (except that one time I went to the emergency room…) since November. Since I left my job and focused on the bar, I met and personally talked to only my immediate family and my boyfriend.

So when my mind was getting better but still not completely OK last January, I decided to return to Facebook. This is two weeks before the bar LOL. Talk about not wanting to get distracted.. and then returning to FACEBOOK two weeks before the bar when all the election stuff are heating up.

I also unmuted my group chats. I joined some support groups for people who experienced anxiety with or without diagnosis.

And BOY. I am SURE that going back sort of helped me beef up my mental state during the bar. I was an emotional mess, sure, but I didn’t get those weird irrational thoughts anymore.

Some of my blockmates! ❤ So much love!!!

ALSOOOO. FINALLY. Last night. I got to PERSONALLY meet my blockmates again after two years T__T HUMAN INTERACTION. I got to hug people! And we talked about soooo many things that we experienced during the bar. I felt so happy and recharged even though I got tipsy and sleepy so early. But yeah, this dinner made me feel so ……. in a way fulfilled? I don’t know it’s probably the length of time spent worrying about the bar and just overall being stuck in this pandemic.

When the pandemic started, I always gave a side eye whenever people would gather and then post about it on social media saying “we all have negative swabs!” and stuff. I didn’t get how people can just put public health second to their… “want.” I thought socializing can wait. I thought socializing can just be done online since that option is always available anyway. Less risk.

But now, my mind has been completely changed. Let people gather. Because fuck it, some people NEED to socialize. Some people NEED the physical touch or proximity. Some people NEED to see and talk to their friends and loosen up. BECAUSE THIS PANDEMIC CAN DRIVE PEOPLE OFF THEIR LIMITS.

Mental health IS PART OF OUR OVERALL HEALTH. So many people have become victims of depression, anxiety, and other mental problems ESPECIALLY during this pandemic. And just based from my brief encounter with Mr. Anxiety (at least I think that was my problem), the endless fucking crying because of an irrational thing that I can’t explain, the endless self-hating for things I can’t control like getting COVID twice despite not going out of my house, the endless thought about not passing the exams or not studying enough, the endless berating for what I thought and what I felt–THIS PROBLEM IS REAL AND MUST BE ADDRESSED PROPERLY.

I hate that I’m part of the population that sometimes thinks that COVID won’t leave anymore and we have to treat it like the flu. Because I know that based on the stats that it is not true, especially those who have comorbidities.

But I don’t know man. I don’t know. I can’t imagine just doing everything in my house. We need to go out. We need to meet people and talk.

I hope that we get that herd immunity soon. Nobody will be totally immune from COVID but getting that herd immunity will provide an extra layer of protection for public health. All the layers of protection that may be availed of should be availed of. And all while this is being done, we should take care of our mental health too.

Because we are not just physical creatures. We are social creatures, too. And just because there’s no actual, observable manifestation of “anything wrong” with our social self doesn’t mean that there’s nothing wrong.

Take care!!!!!

The bar is over

Last Friday and Sunday, the first ever digitalized and regionalized bar exams in the Philippines happened. I was one of the bar takers. After waiting in focus, putting everything else in my life second only to the bar exams, I was finally able to take it.

Friday morning, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. after 7-8 hours of sleep (I took sleeping pills for a week to adjust my body clock!). And then, I downloaded the exams for the day, did some yoga stretches, and then prayed. I read a bit while waiting for my food, but my parents told me to stop studying already and just relax my mind (how tho??).

We left the house by 4:30 a.m. (and my wonderful sisters stood by outside our house in case our car broke down). I felt very, very, very tense. I brought earphones in case I had to wait in line so that I can listen to lectures. When we got to Ateneo though, not a lot of people were there. I had a hard time getting in only because I had so many things!

A few days before the bar, I had a bit of a panic (actually, a LOT of a panic) because of my COVID clearance. Since I contracted COVID last January 7, the antigen testing for me was waived provided that I show proof of my quarantine. The bar bulletin specified the offices which should issue the quarantine certificate. Long story short, I took the bar bulletin very literally because I was so scared to not get admitted. My parents had to calm me down and assure me that my quarantine certificate is enough and legitimate. So I presented my affidavit along with my quarantine certificate and other documents required. To my relief, it was accepted without question.

Everything was smooth from there. I got to my room after going through inspection and depositing forbidden items. My room (302) was spacious. There were 12 of us and each of us had our own office table and office chair (unfortunately the other rooms I saw in the same floor had to make do with armchairs). My seat was the farthest from the door, the last row of the first column. I was right under the aircon so it wasn’t too cold for me. I put all the things that I needed on the table and proceeded to study until we weren’t allowed to anymore. I also moved around a lot. I stretched, shook my hands, I prayed, and I slept.

Then the exams then happened. My head started to ache by noontime. I suspect it’s because I’m not used to drinking very little amount of water. I also felt hungry very early and ate Hello Panda while taking my first exam. I also had some spotting (very light though). And my upper back was aching very lightly.

Afternoon of Monday, during the second exam (criminal law), was the most difficult one for me physically. I drank paracetamol because of my headache. I was overall just not feeling well during that second exam. I wanted to stay for as long as I could but my body was just in pain. By around 4:30, I was done and out. I wanted to rest. And so I did.

But admittedly, while I felt physically like shit after day 1, I also felt emotionally lighter after it. I wasn’t as stressed..? I guess? Maybe because the exam, the one thing I looked forward to for a year, already started.

I kept thinking to myself when I was there that “this is the moment I’ve been waiting for and imagining for MONTHS.” The moment I thought could not come any sooner.

Anyway, by Saturday, my mind just wanted to rest but of course I couldn’t do that. Day 2 subjects are loooooong. I foolishly attempted to review everything but of course I did not finish. Saturday night, I tried to watch a lecture while rocking myself to sleep I ended up sleeping later than planned (10 p.m. instead of 8) but still woke up early (3 am instead of 3:30). Upon waking up, I finished the same lecture that lulled me to sleep.

While the Day 2 subjects are objectively more difficult (well not objectively but for me they are more difficult), and while I did not finish reviewing for the Day 2 subjects, I felt soooo much lighter. I didn’t get a headache, I didn’t get spotting, but I did get upper back pain so I stuck some salonpas on me. I had I think four stuck to my upper back and neck area.

I’m pretty sure I smelled like a sitting menthol throughout the bar exams lol because of the salonpas and White Flower I kept inhaling. (The white flower I think eased my anxiety since my heart pounded like crazy during waiting times)

OH but right before the last exam started, our proctor talked to us to say inspirational words and to congratulate us. AND OF COURSE OF COURSE my emotional ass cried. LOL. When I hear stuff like that it reminds me that I went through some tough shit and I overcame it. A win! But a win with tears lol.

Finally, during the last exam, I really took my time. I stretched the deadline. I waited for the bell. I submitted my answer five minutes before 6:00 p.m. The end was anticlimactic (maybe because I already cried before it started), and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I imagined I’d cry when I step out of the testing center, but I didn’t. Instead, I simply just… walked out. Waited at the corner for my boyfriend. And crave for The Curator.

Anyway. This is very disorganized.

I just wanted to say it out here because. It’s done. And I’m very happy that it’s done.

The post bar celebration with my boyfriend was also very fun and simple. Yes, I wanted for WEEKS to go to Curator, but we were hungry so we looked for a restaurant first. We ate at Rada st. in this restaurant…. the service was great…. the food…. not so much. We learned from Zomato that Curator was closed already 😦 so we decided to stay in Rada, ordered a cocktail, walked around (though this was very tiring because I had a lot of things! Also he gave me a bigggg gift hehe), and then went home.

A Nintendo switch!!!! HUHU!!!! With Animal Crossing!!!

As to this little baby, I’d write about it some other time. It deserves its own entry hehe.

Going back. I just realized that I don’t have a photo in the bar exam site lol I was just so eager to leave and avoid people who discussed the exam. But I must say that I really, really appreciate and I am in AWE at the organizing team. They mobilized THOUSANDS of people. The logistics … I imagine must have been a NIGHTMARE to prepare! Medics, police, ungodly calltimes, which stairs to use, which rooms to use, where to eat, etc. I can’t even!!! Soooo amazing.

Moving forward I think that the bar exams will be this difficult to organize. Regionalized and digitalized. It was different. It was fun especially when it was done. And you know what? I’m so proud of myself for moving past the finish line <3. I’m so grateful. My heart is full. I’m ready for the next chapter. ❤